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Big Drinker
-A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
Horny Parrot
-A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"
Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"
-Yo mama so stupid she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.
-Yo Mama's teeth are so yellow that the sun got jealous.
-Yo mama's so stupid that she returned a donut......because it had a hole in it
-Yo Mama so ugly that when she looked
out the window she got arrested for
mooning.
-yo mama so old that she graduated school with Jesus.
-Yo mama so fat that went she went on the scale and saw her weight she thought it was her phone number.
-Yo mama is so fat and nasty, that she is the reason for 95% of the air pollution in New York.
-Yo mama's so fat that when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up.
-Yo Mama is so fat that when she is done
in the bathroom she needs a GPS
Transmitter to find the way to her asshole.
-Yo moma is so fat that when she wore a raincoat people started to say, "Look, the sun!"
-Yo moma is so fat that the president declared her the
51st state.
-Yo mama is so fat that when god said let there be light, he had to ask her to move out of the way.
-there was a blonde, burnette, and a red
head in a bar. the red head says i was
looking through my daughters purse the
other day and i found a cigarette. i didnt
know she smoked. the bruntette says
i was looking through my daughters purse
too and i found a joint.i didnt know she
did drugs. the blonde says i was looking
through my daughters purse too and i
found a condom. i didnt know she had a
dick!
-What does Micheal Jackson and McDonalds have in common?
They both stick their meat in 12 year old buns!
-Sex is like maths:
Add the bed,
Subtract the clothes ,
Divide the legs,
and just pray that you don't multiply
-Once there was this very VERY horny girl on Chrismas. She really wanted to fuck Santa. So she waited at the fireplace for Santa to come down. When he came down she said, "Oh Santa will you pleaseee stay" and then she took her shit off.
Santa said, "Ho Ho Ho, I better go, have to deliver thease gifts to children ya' know".
So she took of her pants and said, "Please Santa"?
Santa said, " Ho Ho Ho, I better go, have to deliver thease gifts to children you know"?
Then she took everything else off and said, " Pleaseeee"!?
Santa said, "Hey Hey Hey, Guess I'll stay, I can't go up the chimne with my dick this way"
-There were 2 Fleas in a fanny, one was a
junky and one was a burglar. How can you
tell them apart? The burglar was hiding in a
bush and the junky was sniffing the crack.
-What's the difference between a rooster and a
hooker?
One says cock a doodle do and the other says
any cock will do.
-Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive.
One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow. "Mr. Brown," she said, "we are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal." Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.
The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the news paper. The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he look up and says, "Oh girls. You should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and fuck the servicemen over there for a day." All at once the girls get up and head for the door.
"Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"
-Three men get stranded on an island and a tribe comes from no were.
The chief says to them: ungubunga or death.
So the first guy asks the chief what ungubunga is and the chief simply repeats him self.
So the first guy says ungubunga and the chief fucks him and lets him go.
So the second guy says well its pretty disgusting but i have a family so he chooses ungubunga and gets fucked.
So the third guy's like you to are disgusting and chooses death. the chief exclaims good choice death by ungubunga!
-A young lady is sitting on top of a peer with no arms and no legs. A man walks past her, and she cries. The man goes up to her and asks her whats wrong with her. She says that she has never been hugged before, so he hugs her and walks off.
As he walks, the lady cries again. The man goes up to her and asks again whats wrong with her. She says she has never been kissed, so he kisses her and walks off.
She starts to massive cry now, so the man walks back and asks again. She says I have never been fucked before. So he picks her up, and throws her off the side, and says now your fucked.
-A guy walks into a bar and asks the barkeeper to give him a drink, because he's celabrating his first blowjob.
When he was done the drink, the bar keeper asked "Do you want another drink?"
The man replied "No thanks, it only takes one to wash the taste."
-Kid comes home from school and his mother asks him, "How was school son?"
He replies, "It wasn't good at all Mom, I had sex with my teacher."
She blows up and tells him to go imediately to his room. His father gets home and walks into his room to find he is looking at some porno mags and says to his son, "You had sex with your teacher son?"
Kid replies, "Yeah it wasn't good."
The father says well your only 14 years old and you have done a good job, well go tomorrow and get that new bike you have always wanted. They get there the next day and get it bought.
Then the father asks him, "Do you want to ride it home or just put it in the back of the truck? "
The kid replies, "I better just put it in the back of the truck."
They get into the truck and the father asks his son, "So why didn't you wanna ride it home?"
The son tells him, "Because Mr. Green got me in the butt pretty hard yesterday."
-Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they are shot and killed.
God comes down to them and says, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."
The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live. God says to them, "go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."
The first man comes back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries in your ass without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."
The man puts 2 cherries in his ass, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man comes back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your ass, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
So the man sticks 2 apples in his ass. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.
God says to him, "You have made a face, and now you will go to hell. But i am curious...why did you start laughing?"
And the man says then, "Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons."
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